Childish Reviews #4: 80s Video Version

In previous iterations of this series I’ve sat my children down and had them listen to a track off a recent metal album that I had previously reviewed. Last time out I threw them a curve ball and played them my favorite track from 80s metal stalwarts, Warlock. Their reaction was a bit surprising – they made more comments about the band member’s hairstyles than they did the music – and that got me thinking. What if this time around we just watched some metal videos from the 80s and let the tape recorder roll…

Ozzy Osbourne – Bark at the Moon

First up is one of the best post-Randy Rhoads tracks that Ozzy and Co. ever produced. But as great as the track is, what would the kids think of the video and the appearance of…Were-Ozzy.

After watching the first minute or so of the video the three year old just starts repeating “zombies” over and over in his ‘zombie voice.’

9 year old – Why does it look like that guy is holding a brain?
16 year old – That would be Ozzy. I think he does that normally.
3 year old – Zombies…
12 year old – That werewolf thing is so corny.
9 year old – Yeah, it’s corny. What’s with the massive fangs that are like too big for his head?
3 year old – Zombies…
9 year old – It looks like this guy (Ozzy) is having a seizure.
Me – I think it’s because he’s turning into a werewolf.
9 year old – Yeah, well I would not like to have to work on that guy in the hospital.
3 year old – Zombies…
Me – You guys get the premise of what’s happening here?
9 year old – He drank a potion and he turned into a werewolf…and apparently died…
3 year old – Zombies…
Me – Do you think it’s a zombie?
3 year old – Zombies are zombies. Zombies. Zombies. Zombies. Zombies.
12 year old – This is so corny. This werewolf is really corny.
9 year old – That brain he’s holding is pretty corny too.
16 year old – Let’s also put this gently, Ozzy could have used a couple more acting lessons.
3 Year old – Zombies…
9 year old – The song is great though. Have we played it on our radio show yet?
Me – Yes. Yes we did.
9 year old – Oh, I probably wasn’t paying attention.
Me – Awesome. This guitar solo at the end is one of my favorite guitar solos ever.
9 year old – You say that about all of the guitar solos.
16 year old – He’s got a point.
(For the record, no, I don’t.)
3 year old – Zombies…

Video Rating:
12 year old – 7
9 year old – 8
16 year old – 8.5
3 year old – Zombie
Avg. McCabe Family Rating: 7.83

 

Judas Priest – Heading Out to the Highway

Next up is one of my all-time favorite Judas Priest songs. But even as a kid I thought this video was…lacking? What will my CGI-loving kids think of this video, and of course, Rob Halford’s dance moves.

16 year old (Immediately after the video starts) – Oh my God, this video is already so corny looking. The fade in?! And what’s with the drummer’s tie?
9 year old – Those are some pretty fake ‘cactuses.’
16 year old – You don’t wear ties with leather jackets.
Me – Well, you did in the 80s

*At this point all four of us – minus the three year old – just started singing along to the chorus. Nothing like a Judas Priest sing-a-long to create those magic, metal memories.

12 year old – You can see the wires holding everything up.
9 year old – See, that’s the problem. It was the 80s and the 80s just didn’t have good graphics.
Me – Oh, here’s where they have the slowest drag race in music video history.
9 year old – Is he  seriously just going to stand there and sing in front of those cars?
16 year old – And wearing those boots?
9 year old – He must look like an idiot to those people in the cars.
Me – Well it’s guys from the band driving the cars. They’re used to all of this.
9 year old – Is this what he does at like birthday parties? They start singing “Happy Birthday” and he just starts singing a Judas Priest song?
Me – That would be the best birthday party ever.
16 year old – That’s right, everyone needs to comb their hair before they drag race.
12 year old – I’m glad we don’t live in the 80s and Rob Halford needs to take more dancing lessons.
16 year old – And I don’t know what he’s doing to that bandana but I feel bad for it.
9 year old – I have better dance moves…
12 year old – …And that’s saying a lot.

Video Rating:
12 year old – 7
9 year old – 5
16 year old – 7
Avg. McCabe Family Rating: 6.33

 

Iron Maiden – Flight of Icarus

These guys are more than familiar with the song, and had even seen the video once before. How much would they remember from it and how much of it would also be labeled “corny” or “cheesy”

12 year old – Why is it starting inside a house?
16 year old – Because they are recording in the house.
9 year old – I like this song…let’s see if I like the video.
12 year old – Oh, Bruce Dickinson’s hair back then.
16 year old – Remember when you two would sing this song all the time while jumping on the couch?
12 year old – The guy in the cloak is a little creepy.
16 year old – I think the guy in the cloak is actually Nicko McBrain.
9 year old – Yeah, didn’t Nicko McBrain work back stage or something before he joined the band?
16 year old – I don’t know but he was clearly IN the band at this point.
12 year old – I want more of the guy in the cloak. Most of the video is just them in a house.
9 year old – Well, I want the actual flying! I want Icarus! Where’s Icarus? I want wings that are golden! I’ve read this story and I want wings that are golden. Like, what does all of this have to do with Icarus? It’s a guy just standing in a cloak
16 year old – Now can I just say that I love this guitar solo.
9 year old – See you and dad, every guitar solo from bands you like. (Putting on a weird British accent) ‘This is one of my favorite solos.’
16 year old – What was that accent? Was that supposed to be British?
9 year old – No. What do you mean? My English accent is more Australian. You’d know if I did it.

*At this point the 16 year old, 12 year old, and I just looked at each other very confused…

12 year old – Wait! Was that another brain? What’s with metal bands holding brains in their videos?
9 year old – Right?!? Is that a must from the 80s? You have to hold brains in your videos?

Video Rating:
12 year old – 8
9 year old – 10
16 year old – 9
Avg. McCabe Family Rating: 9.0

 

Dio – The Last In Line

Our last video was another track they are all very familiar with. Let’s see what they think of the video though in all its 80s glory…

9 year old – Why is this kid riding a bicycle?
Me – Because he’s not old enough to drive.
12 year old – Is he late for school or something?
16 year old – Who is that dude in the car? Was that James Hetfield?
9 year old – He had a fu manchu! Ha!
12 year old – This kid looks so young. He…
9 year old (As the elevator drops and the door opens…) – What was that that just grabbed him!?!
12 year old – Oh man, this is so corny.
9 year old – Yeah…but what the heck is that!?! (Queue the scene where the kid pulls the hoses out of the dude’s face…) Oh God. Someone get me a barf bucket.
12 year old – Oh my…
16 year old – It’s Hell’s minions kids.
9 year old – Some of them look like normal people but some of them look like weird monsters.
Me – Well, that’s kind of the point. Are you noticing they are playing too many video games?
9 year old (who totally loves his video games) – But aren’t their hands chained to the video games?
Me – Yes, because the point is that we as as society play too many video games.
9 year old (rolling his eyes) – Whatever.
16 year old – Meanwhile this kid in the video is like, ‘Why am I here? All I did was get in an elevator.’
9 year old – Yeah, why is he there?
Me – You know…I never looked at it that way…
9 year old – These 80s people need more acting lessons too.
12 year old – What are they doing now?
16 year old – They are trying to escape using the power of Metal.
9 year old – What video game were they playing anyways. It looked like they were playing Mario or Donkey Kong.
16 year old – Wait…does Dio have a light saber?
12 year old – Oh no, now Dio is going to die in the video.
16 year old – I always wondered why Dio was wearing Egyptian-themed costumes. Did he go to hell for that?
12 year old – You know…that made no sense at all…

Video Rating:
12 year old – 5
9 year old – 1
16 year old – 9
Avg. McCabe Family Rating: 5.0

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